Zane's story

I wrote the following story two years ago.  I found it tonight - Zane's 12th birthday.  If you know the story of Zane's birth, I'm sorry for bombarding you with it again.  I just love to rejoice over what God has done for me and the blessing that is Zane.

Ten years later…

 A child’s birthday.  For a parent it is typically a very happy occasion remembering with fondness that wonderful day your baby was born.   (At least I’m assuming that’s what a parent would typically be thinking.)

Each year, on Zane’s birthday, I experience such a complex mixture of emotions.  I have so much fun planning and trying to make the day special.  Overall, it’s a fun time…BUT then I also remember the circumstances surrounding his birth, the things I felt physically and emotionally, the lessons I learned spiritually, and the people that I shared these things with us.

At my regular check-up (at about 28 weeks), my blood pressure was a little high.  The Dr. that saw me was not my regular Dr.  Mine was out of the country.  Since my blood pressure was high, they had me lie on my left side for 20 minutes, then they checked it again.  The BP had come down some, so they let me go…no special instructions.  They even gave me permission to fly to Kansas 2-3 weeks later, saying that I should be fine.  (When you’ve never been pregnant before, you believe everything the Dr. tells you.  You really have no reason not to.)

I did fly to Kansas.  While I was there, I experienced incredible swelling and really bad back pain—especially my back between my shoulder blades.  My BP was really high, too.  I felt horrible, but I just kept telling myself that it was just because I was pregnant.  My next checkup was scheduled for the Monday after we returned to SC on Saturday, so I figured I would just ask my Dr. about it then.   We flew into Atlanta on Saturday, and drove back to Columbia the same night.  We got home in the wee hours of the morning.  I forced myself to go to church that morning, but I just couldn’t go back that night.  I was miserable. 

Monday I was scheduled to begin teaching a class of new hires at Wachovia’s call center in Columbia.  I wasn’t scheduled to get the class until after lunch.  My Dr’s appointment was around 11am, so I called work and told them that I would be in after my appointment to begin class.

Matt’s sister, Sarah, was living with us at the time.  I asked her if she would go to the Dr. with me just in case something was wrong.  Matt was working. 
At my appointment they did the routine stuff:  urine sample, weigh, take BP.  You know, nurses hardly ever panic, but I knew something was up.  She took by BP twice.  Then she went and got someone else to take my BP.  The next thing I knew, they had me in a room with the blinds closed, the lights off, lying on my left side.  They told me to just relax.  I ask you.   How in the world are you supposed to relax at a time like that??  They still hadn’t told me what my BP was.  (We found out later it was 2??/ 153.)  They kept asking me questions like, “Are you having problems with your vision?”  “Do you have a headache?”  My answers were “No”.  My only complaint was that I generally felt bad, and I still had that pain in my back.

My memory gets a little fuzzy, but somehow Sarah knew to call Matt.  The Dr. came in and told me that I was being admitted to the hospital.   She said that I would be on bed rest until the baby was born.  Matt got to the office, and they let him take me next door to the hospital.  We finally got in a room, and I got hooked up to more IV’s and monitors than you can imagine.  They tried several medicines, but my BP would not come down.  They put me on this torture drug called Magnesium Sulfate….it makes you feel like a blob of jello.  You lose all reflexes.  They did this b/c they thought I was going to have a stroke or go into convulsions and they didn’t want me thrashing around.  Thankfully, neither of those things ever happened.

I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia.  Since, nothing was bringing my BP down, they decided that the only option was to deliver the baby.  Usually, once the baby is delivered, your BP returns to normal.  So….around 4:30 that afternoon – at 31 ½ weeks along -  I had an emergency c-section.  I heard him cry, but I couldn’t hold him…I was more critical than he was.  They whisked him away to the NICU.  He weighed 3 lbs.  Again, my memory is a little vague at this point.  Matt was standing at my head during the c-section.  After Zane was delivered, something happened and my heart slowed.  They started squeezing things through my IV.  I just remember opening my eyes and seeing lots of masked faces looking down at me asking me lots of questions.

Next, I remember recovery.  I remember the Neonatologist coming to talk to me.  Mostly, I remember my dear friends Kristen and Kim being there.  (If others reading this were there, I’m sorry…I blame my fuzzy memory on Magnesium Sulfate! J)

At this point, things were so out of my control, that I just did what I was told, trusting my life and my child’s life to God.  I didn’t get put in a regular room right away, but I really didn’t comprehend that.  The Magnesium Sulfate that I was on made me feel like I was crazy, so I was pretty much in another world.  I found out later that I was listed in critical condition for at least a day afterwards.  Even after delivery, my BP was not coming down.  I was eventually put on BP medicine.

Finally on Wed., they took my off the Mag., and Matt got to take me up to the NICU to see Zane.  Up to this point, all I had seen was a Polaroid picture and his tiny footprints.  I was scared!  I really didn’t know what to expect.  Matt assured me that it would be ok.  We got up there, and I really didn’t want to look around at all the babies.  It broke my heart to see all those tiny babies hooked up to all sorts of machines.   Zane was in his isolette.  He was so tiny!  He was hooked up to an IV, a feeding tube, several monitor leads, a pulsox light, etc.  The nurse wrapped him and gave him to me.  I just sat there with tears streaming.  I spoke to him and he immediately turned his head toward my voice…it was amazing!

 
The next few weeks were long and scary.  Every gram gained was a huge milestone.  The threat of infection loomed.  The pages and pages of information about what could possible develop or happen to a preemie was overwhelming.  I felt SO guilty!  If I had not been sick, he wouldn’t have had to be premature.  I spent many hours sitting next to his bed.  Those memories are bittersweet.  I spent a lot of that time praying.  I would also sit there and sing quietly to Zane---mainly to calm my own heart.  Sometimes, when I couldn’t even articulate what I was thinking or feeling, I would just sing.  I probably sang lots of things, but the one I remember most was “My God is Near”.  The chorus says, “When God is near, all the world seems far away.  When God is near, every fear is set aside.  When God is near, how can I stray? How can I falter?  I’ll stay upon the altar.  I know my God is near.”  To this day, I cannot sing that without being taken back to those days next to Zane’s bed in the NICU.

We have some fun memories too.  Every night Matt would tell him a Bible story.  The first one we chose was Zaccheus—because he was a “wee little man” like Zane.  My parents got to come when Zane was about 2 weeks old.  Zane looked extra small next to my Daddy’s giant hands.  We got special permission for Aunt Amy and Aunt Emily to see him…normally just parents and grandparents.  Jed wasn’t old enough…he was only 12.  Amy came and stayed with me for a couple of weeks.  She helped me at home, and drove me back and forth to the hospital.  I was not allowed to drive until 6 weeks after surgery. 

Zane got to come home after 4 weeks.  He did amazingly well.  All those things that could have happened didn’t.  When he came home, he weighed 4lbs 6oz…still very small.  We had a monitor that we had to carry around for a few months.

God taught us so much!  I kept thinking that maybe He chose us to go through that ordeal so that we could help someone else.  I don’t know the mind of God, but I do know that I’ve known several people since then that have experienced to same thing-- Including my dear friend, Kristen, who just 3 years later experienced it times two!

There are so many people who did so much for us during those weeks---I don’t dare start naming them.  You know who you are.  We love you all so very much.  God used our own biological families as well as the family of God to help encourage and sustain us.

I am overwhelmed by God’s love for me and for the sustaining grace He gives during difficult circumstances.  He does give more grace as the burden grows greater---not before, but when.  I have an overactive imagination.  One of the greatest lessons learned is that God gives grace for what IS happening, not what I IMAGINE might happen.

We all experience different things in our lives.  I think a lot of times we are guilty of comparing ourselves and our experiences to others’—ranking them as better or worse than our own.  God has a perfect plan for each of us.  I was created for His glory.  Whatever He allows in my life is for His glory…not to be compared to someone else.

So, ten years later…

Zane begins 5^th grade on Monday.  If he had been born on his due date (Oct 12) he would only be in 4^th grade this year.

Zane is the sweetest, most tender-hearted kid I know.  He was saved when he was 5.  He is sensitive to the Spirit’s working in his life.  He has a heart for souls.  He talks regularly about the possibility of going into a ministry of some kind when he grows up.  As long as he follows God’s leading, I’ll be happy no matter what he does.

He’s a very responsible big brother – adored by Carson and Levi.

I am so thankful that I have such wonderful memories to share with Zane.

 
To God be the Glory!  He has done great things in my life!