Zane's story

I wrote the following story two years ago.  I found it tonight - Zane's 12th birthday.  If you know the story of Zane's birth, I'm sorry for bombarding you with it again.  I just love to rejoice over what God has done for me and the blessing that is Zane.

Ten years later…

 A child’s birthday.  For a parent it is typically a very happy occasion remembering with fondness that wonderful day your baby was born.   (At least I’m assuming that’s what a parent would typically be thinking.)

Each year, on Zane’s birthday, I experience such a complex mixture of emotions.  I have so much fun planning and trying to make the day special.  Overall, it’s a fun time…BUT then I also remember the circumstances surrounding his birth, the things I felt physically and emotionally, the lessons I learned spiritually, and the people that I shared these things with us.

At my regular check-up (at about 28 weeks), my blood pressure was a little high.  The Dr. that saw me was not my regular Dr.  Mine was out of the country.  Since my blood pressure was high, they had me lie on my left side for 20 minutes, then they checked it again.  The BP had come down some, so they let me go…no special instructions.  They even gave me permission to fly to Kansas 2-3 weeks later, saying that I should be fine.  (When you’ve never been pregnant before, you believe everything the Dr. tells you.  You really have no reason not to.)

I did fly to Kansas.  While I was there, I experienced incredible swelling and really bad back pain—especially my back between my shoulder blades.  My BP was really high, too.  I felt horrible, but I just kept telling myself that it was just because I was pregnant.  My next checkup was scheduled for the Monday after we returned to SC on Saturday, so I figured I would just ask my Dr. about it then.   We flew into Atlanta on Saturday, and drove back to Columbia the same night.  We got home in the wee hours of the morning.  I forced myself to go to church that morning, but I just couldn’t go back that night.  I was miserable. 

Monday I was scheduled to begin teaching a class of new hires at Wachovia’s call center in Columbia.  I wasn’t scheduled to get the class until after lunch.  My Dr’s appointment was around 11am, so I called work and told them that I would be in after my appointment to begin class.

Matt’s sister, Sarah, was living with us at the time.  I asked her if she would go to the Dr. with me just in case something was wrong.  Matt was working. 
At my appointment they did the routine stuff:  urine sample, weigh, take BP.  You know, nurses hardly ever panic, but I knew something was up.  She took by BP twice.  Then she went and got someone else to take my BP.  The next thing I knew, they had me in a room with the blinds closed, the lights off, lying on my left side.  They told me to just relax.  I ask you.   How in the world are you supposed to relax at a time like that??  They still hadn’t told me what my BP was.  (We found out later it was 2??/ 153.)  They kept asking me questions like, “Are you having problems with your vision?”  “Do you have a headache?”  My answers were “No”.  My only complaint was that I generally felt bad, and I still had that pain in my back.

My memory gets a little fuzzy, but somehow Sarah knew to call Matt.  The Dr. came in and told me that I was being admitted to the hospital.   She said that I would be on bed rest until the baby was born.  Matt got to the office, and they let him take me next door to the hospital.  We finally got in a room, and I got hooked up to more IV’s and monitors than you can imagine.  They tried several medicines, but my BP would not come down.  They put me on this torture drug called Magnesium Sulfate….it makes you feel like a blob of jello.  You lose all reflexes.  They did this b/c they thought I was going to have a stroke or go into convulsions and they didn’t want me thrashing around.  Thankfully, neither of those things ever happened.

I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia.  Since, nothing was bringing my BP down, they decided that the only option was to deliver the baby.  Usually, once the baby is delivered, your BP returns to normal.  So….around 4:30 that afternoon – at 31 ½ weeks along -  I had an emergency c-section.  I heard him cry, but I couldn’t hold him…I was more critical than he was.  They whisked him away to the NICU.  He weighed 3 lbs.  Again, my memory is a little vague at this point.  Matt was standing at my head during the c-section.  After Zane was delivered, something happened and my heart slowed.  They started squeezing things through my IV.  I just remember opening my eyes and seeing lots of masked faces looking down at me asking me lots of questions.

Next, I remember recovery.  I remember the Neonatologist coming to talk to me.  Mostly, I remember my dear friends Kristen and Kim being there.  (If others reading this were there, I’m sorry…I blame my fuzzy memory on Magnesium Sulfate! J)

At this point, things were so out of my control, that I just did what I was told, trusting my life and my child’s life to God.  I didn’t get put in a regular room right away, but I really didn’t comprehend that.  The Magnesium Sulfate that I was on made me feel like I was crazy, so I was pretty much in another world.  I found out later that I was listed in critical condition for at least a day afterwards.  Even after delivery, my BP was not coming down.  I was eventually put on BP medicine.

Finally on Wed., they took my off the Mag., and Matt got to take me up to the NICU to see Zane.  Up to this point, all I had seen was a Polaroid picture and his tiny footprints.  I was scared!  I really didn’t know what to expect.  Matt assured me that it would be ok.  We got up there, and I really didn’t want to look around at all the babies.  It broke my heart to see all those tiny babies hooked up to all sorts of machines.   Zane was in his isolette.  He was so tiny!  He was hooked up to an IV, a feeding tube, several monitor leads, a pulsox light, etc.  The nurse wrapped him and gave him to me.  I just sat there with tears streaming.  I spoke to him and he immediately turned his head toward my voice…it was amazing!

 
The next few weeks were long and scary.  Every gram gained was a huge milestone.  The threat of infection loomed.  The pages and pages of information about what could possible develop or happen to a preemie was overwhelming.  I felt SO guilty!  If I had not been sick, he wouldn’t have had to be premature.  I spent many hours sitting next to his bed.  Those memories are bittersweet.  I spent a lot of that time praying.  I would also sit there and sing quietly to Zane---mainly to calm my own heart.  Sometimes, when I couldn’t even articulate what I was thinking or feeling, I would just sing.  I probably sang lots of things, but the one I remember most was “My God is Near”.  The chorus says, “When God is near, all the world seems far away.  When God is near, every fear is set aside.  When God is near, how can I stray? How can I falter?  I’ll stay upon the altar.  I know my God is near.”  To this day, I cannot sing that without being taken back to those days next to Zane’s bed in the NICU.

We have some fun memories too.  Every night Matt would tell him a Bible story.  The first one we chose was Zaccheus—because he was a “wee little man” like Zane.  My parents got to come when Zane was about 2 weeks old.  Zane looked extra small next to my Daddy’s giant hands.  We got special permission for Aunt Amy and Aunt Emily to see him…normally just parents and grandparents.  Jed wasn’t old enough…he was only 12.  Amy came and stayed with me for a couple of weeks.  She helped me at home, and drove me back and forth to the hospital.  I was not allowed to drive until 6 weeks after surgery. 

Zane got to come home after 4 weeks.  He did amazingly well.  All those things that could have happened didn’t.  When he came home, he weighed 4lbs 6oz…still very small.  We had a monitor that we had to carry around for a few months.

God taught us so much!  I kept thinking that maybe He chose us to go through that ordeal so that we could help someone else.  I don’t know the mind of God, but I do know that I’ve known several people since then that have experienced to same thing-- Including my dear friend, Kristen, who just 3 years later experienced it times two!

There are so many people who did so much for us during those weeks---I don’t dare start naming them.  You know who you are.  We love you all so very much.  God used our own biological families as well as the family of God to help encourage and sustain us.

I am overwhelmed by God’s love for me and for the sustaining grace He gives during difficult circumstances.  He does give more grace as the burden grows greater---not before, but when.  I have an overactive imagination.  One of the greatest lessons learned is that God gives grace for what IS happening, not what I IMAGINE might happen.

We all experience different things in our lives.  I think a lot of times we are guilty of comparing ourselves and our experiences to others’—ranking them as better or worse than our own.  God has a perfect plan for each of us.  I was created for His glory.  Whatever He allows in my life is for His glory…not to be compared to someone else.

So, ten years later…

Zane begins 5^th grade on Monday.  If he had been born on his due date (Oct 12) he would only be in 4^th grade this year.

Zane is the sweetest, most tender-hearted kid I know.  He was saved when he was 5.  He is sensitive to the Spirit’s working in his life.  He has a heart for souls.  He talks regularly about the possibility of going into a ministry of some kind when he grows up.  As long as he follows God’s leading, I’ll be happy no matter what he does.

He’s a very responsible big brother – adored by Carson and Levi.

I am so thankful that I have such wonderful memories to share with Zane.

 
To God be the Glory!  He has done great things in my life!

My Gift

“God in His love always wills what is best for us.  In His wisdom, He always knows what is best, and in His sovereignty He has the power to bring it about.”

I have looked at this quote posted near my computer in the church office for several years…most of the last eight years, in fact.  Today, it came down….along with my kids’ notes and drawings, and my Auburn stuff, and photos….

The quote is true.  It is always encouraging to be reminded of the truth in it.  It is another thing altogether to see it played out in your life in a BIG way.

God, in His love, has chosen to give me my heart’s desire.

Sixteen years ago, I received my teaching degree.  I just assumed that my next stop in life would be school teacher.  God had different plans.  I worked in banking for 8 years – 5 of those years I was a corporate trainer (so I DID teach, just not in the traditional manner).  A lot changed in those 8 years. Having 2 small children made it nearly impossible to continue working until midnight and traveling, so I began praying about what God would have me do.  After several months of praying, God opened the door for me to work a very flexible, part-time schedule as our church’s secretary.  My new schedule allowed me to be at home, with my children more often.  As our family grew, my schedule would change to accommodate.  The job, which was more like a ministry, was ideal for our family.

Fast forward to now.  Another 8 years has passed.  All 3 children attend a Christian school.  God has been faithful to provide tuition all these years.  Over the past year, our job/financial situation changed dramatically.  God is faithful.  He has provided our needs in so many miraculous and unexpected ways.  He has used faithful family and friends to encourage and strengthen us.  My relationship to God has grown stronger – being truly God-dependent has a way of doing that to you.  The latest in the long line of miraculous and unexpected provisions for us is that I have a new job/ministry!  Not just any job…I get to be a teacher…at a school – my children’s school!!  There are too many details to name, but suffice it to say that God’s hand in this couldn’t have been more clear had He written it in the stars!

Today, my stuff came down.  It will get moved to it’s new home in my classroom.  I am so excited!!  Words can’t even describe it, really.  I’m trying not to drive my family crazy when I babble on about all the things I’ve been thinking about and planning.  I have tons to do over the next couple of weeks, and I may not have a chance to post again for a while. 

I just wanted everyone to know about my HUGE answer to prayer.  Honestly, I didn’t know if I would ever get to teach.  I am so thankful for this wonderful gift from God!

“God in His love always wills what is best for us.  In His wisdom, He always knows what is best, and in His sovereignty He has the power to bring it about.”

Driving Through Fog

No, I have not dropped off the face of the earth!  These last weeks have been sooooo busy, that I have not had time to even put thoughts on paper.   The last two months of school were packed with activity – including baseball for all three children.  We ended the year with Zane graduating from 6^th grade, and Levi graduating from Kindergarten.  June brought VBS and a trip to The WILDS.  Now – now I’m trying desperately to carve out time to write. 

I’ve had tons of time to think, so hopefully I can communicate some of that thinking in a way that makes sense.

Have you ever driven in dense fog?  At night?  How does that make you feel?

I would guess most would feel like I do.  Driving through fog in the dark is scary.  You can’t see what’s ahead – or anywhere around you.  How do you know you are still on the road?  You look desperately for markers – like the outside white line or the middle yellow line to let you know that you are still in your lane.  You feel safer knowing you are in your lane, but still you hope that any other drivers out there are staying safely in their lanes.  You look for tail lights and head lights to let you know if other cars are on the road with you.

Why am I talking about driving through fog?

Because that’s about the most accurate description about how I feel about life right now.  I’ll be very honest.  The last few months have been extremely difficult for me.  Our lives have been turned upside down.  God has brought about several drastic changes in our lives that we would have never seen coming.  Some days….actually, a lot of days, I feel like I’m in a dense fog.

When I’m actually driving through fog or someplace unfamiliar, my children are constantly asking, “Do you know where we are?  Are we lost?”  My answer to them is always, “You are with me, and that’s all that matters.”  I thought about that the other day, and God seemed to audibly say, “Yes, you are with Me, and that’s all that matters.”

In this place, I have no choice but to stay close to God – desperately looking for those markers of direction and wisdom.  I have no choice but to rest in His care.

How comforting is that??  I have been overwhelmed lately with encouragement from all sorts of places – constant reminders of God’s care for me.  One recurring theme I have seen is His daily care of me.

Nearly every morning when I wake up – even before I get out of bed – the Holy Spirit reminds me that His mercies are new every morning.

In one conversation I had recently, a dear lady reminded me that God’s provision is like manna – you get what you need for that day, every day.

The Lord’s Prayer models, “Give us this day our daily bread.”

Another sweet lady told me this week, she was going to pray that God would provide what I needed for every day, without worry.

I’m so thankful that I don’t have to stockpile His mercy, love, and grace.  He provides what I need to handle each day.  He also has supplied what we needed physically each day.  We got a very unexpected gift in the mail yesterday, and I just wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time.  I even said, “In all the scenarios that I had thought up for God, this was certainly not one of them.”

This is a difficult, but sweet, sweet time.  I am God’s child, and He delights in caring for me!

On Wednesday night at church we had a wonderful message on prayer.  As we turned to look at one of the passages, my eye fell on Matthew 6:8 (not the verse we were turning to).  It says, your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.

You know what?  He does.  He knows it all.  He has a plan worked out already.  I just need to keep close to Him, looking for those markers that direct me to the next step.

I have no idea what’s coming, but He does…and that’s ALL that matters.

How can this be good?

I had planned to tackle another “weight”, but God has given me something else to share. 

If you read my blog, you are probably also friends with me or one of my family members on facebook.  You have all followed (to some extent) the progress of our sweet little Reagan---whether you wanted to or not! J  That’s pretty much all we’ve talked about for the last two months!  If you happen to be reading this, and you are not familiar with Reagan’s story, you can read all about it here.

After two very l-o-n-g months in the hospital, Reagan got to go home on April 6, just in time for Easter and a visit from her SC aunts and cousins!!  We were thrilled to be able to go, even for such a short visit.  There was a baby shower planned for April 7, so we had lots of fun seeing our friends and some extended family, too.  Just a couple of days before our visit, I was asked to prepare a short devotional for Emily’s baby shower.  Of course, I said, yes (that was the easy part).  Then, what?  I prayed, asking God to help me share something meaningful to which everyone could relate.  Now I want to share that devotional with you…

I began thinking about the last couple of months….daily updates about Reagan, encouragement for Dan and Emily from so many sweet people, specifically praying for everything from weight gain to eye maturity---oh, and don’t forget, poopy diapers!  Through it all, I had noticed a recurring them:  God is good.  God is good ALL the time.  Lots of people said it….and that’s okay, because it is true!

God was gracious enough to give us lots of days of such amazing progress that it was easy to say, God is good.  However, there were (and are) times when it is not so easy. 

The days leading up to Reagan’s birth were difficult ones.  Personally, I struggled—for many reasons:  Emily is my little sister, and I still want to protect her.  I couldn’t.  Emily was going through a difficult time, and I wanted to be with her.  I couldn’t.  Having experienced two pregnancies that ended in preeclampsia and premature babies, I knew what was in store, and I wanted to change it.  I couldn’t.  I struggled, because I was not focusing on what God was doing.   I spent most that weekend and day of Reagan’s birth telling myself that God knew what He was doing, and that I could trust Him.  My brain knew it, but my heart was having a hard time catching up.  I knew that no matter what was in store for Emily, Dan, and Reagan, that God would give them and us the grace to handle it. 

These times of struggle are normal because we are human, but we don’t have to be bound by our humanness.  If we know Christ as our personal Savior, He enables us to do, be, feel, respond in unusual ways demonstrating His goodness to others.

God, in His divine wisdom, brings about circumstances that can catapult us closer to Him.  We need to be submitted to what He plans for us to gain the most from it.  Why does God do this?  Why do we experience difficulty?

Isaiah 55:8-9 say,  For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

We can’t know the mind of God, but we can know the character of God.

Reagan’s story up to this point exemplifies the goodness of God through difficult circumstances.  It would take way too long to detail them all, but already we can see that His thoughts are higher than ours.   The key is focusing on God and not our selves or our circumstances. 

I took Reagan’s name and came up with some things about God that I can focus on when I’m tempted to question His goodness.

Redeemer – When I doubt God’s love for me, I am reminded that He loved me so much that He sent His son to redeem me from sin.  How can I doubt His goodness?

Emmanuel – His very name means, “God with us.”  When I am struggling, He is there.

 

Amazing Grace – Do we think about what His grace really means for us?  By grace we are saved (Eph 2:8-9), and He promises that His grace is sufficient for every circumstance (2 Cor 12:9).

Giver of good gifts – Matthew 7:11 says, If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

How can I question what He gives me?

Always the same - For I am the LORD, I change not; (Malachi 3:6a)

Never leaves us – Hebrews 13:5b says, I will never leave thee nor forsake thee. 

These are just a few of God’s promises to us…there are so much more!  Try making a list that’s easy for you to remember.  Already this week, I have thought through this list to help me.

No matter what your difficulty or struggle, these promises are true, and God is the same. 

Please don’t think that because I’ve listed these here, that I have conquered and that I will not ever struggle with believing God is good.  Having those feelings of doubt, despair, helplessness….that will probably never change, because we are human.  It’s how we handle those emotions and struggles that define us.  Focusing on who God is rather than our circumstances is the key to having right responses.

Reagan on Feb 6, 2012…

And now….

We are so thankful for God's good blessings demonstrated to us through our sweet, little Reagan!

Yes, God is good. Always.

Setting My Weights and Sins Aside: Wrong Thinking

Last time I discussed realizing that I actually have weights and sins to lay aside.  Read that post here.

How do I handle these weaknesses?  These weights and sins that beset me?

Recognizing that they exist is the obvious first step.  Once I started seeing how many I had, my next struggle was feeling overwhelmed and defeated by them.  I really was miserable for a very long time.  It was hard for my over-achieving, perfectionist, prideful self to realize that I had limitations.  I equated all that doing to success.  Somewhere along the way, all that doing became my downfall.  I would sacrifice time, sleep, home responsibilities, etc. for the sake of looking like “Super Woman” on the outside.  It was making me crazy!  I really believed that the world might just fall apart if I did not do all of the things that I thought I needed to do, or the things that I was just sure was expected of me by others.  As it turns out, I have drastically changed what I do, and the world is still turning!  As a matter of fact, all those “people” that I was going to “let down” by not doing “whatever” haven’t said one word to me about anything---I don’t think anyone’s noticed – except for my family who is grateful the crazy woman that used to live here has moved on.  She does try to come back sometimes, but I do my best to quickly send her packing!!

I am in the process of reading Filling the Empty Places by Beneth Peters Jones.  (I actually bought this book several years ago, but I’m just now reading it.)  There is so much in there that pertains to me, but this jumped out at me the other day, “Self focus guarantees discomfort.”  So true!  Once, I quit focusing on me, I felt so much better! 

Through this period of constant misery, I would describe myself as overwhelmed, exhausted, and having too much to do.  Matt would always try to encourage me by telling me to just do one thing at a time.  (By the way, I am THE QUEEN of starting something then being distracted….and starting something else….and getting distracted…and doing something else….and never getting anywhere!) I work hard at trying to stay focused on the task at hand. 

I have applied this “one thing at a time” concept to my spiritual life, too.  As the Lord started to show me very clearly that I had a number of weights and sins to set aside, I was overwhelmed by them.  I wanted to fix everything wrong and do everything right, right then.  The over-achieving perfectionist strikes again!  I’m going to share these over several posts…that way, I’m not overwhelmed and neither are you.  J

What Am I Thinking?

I realized that many of my struggles were linked to wrong thinking.  I latched on to Philippians 4:8, Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Since one of my biggest struggles was imagining what others thought of me or expected of me, I began asking myself, Do I know this to be true?  Most of the time, the answer was NO.  It is amazing how much anxiety and fear can be avoided by first asking that question.  This practice has transformed my thinking.  I do it every day, multiple times a day.  I also began noticing how often scripture address the mind and thinking.  Hmmmm…..I feel I’m pretty safe in assuming that God knew this would be a common human struggle, and He was kind enough to give us instruction in this area.

What else does the Bible say?  Here are a few of my favorites:

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.  Isaiah 26:3

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.  Romans 12:2

Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus.  Phil 2:5

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Change is overwhelming, but not impossible.  When I focus on myself, it results in panic, anxiety, discouragement, fear.  I must actively keep my mind stayed on Him.  When I do….there is peace – even in difficult circumstances.  Remember, I can do all things through Christ.  That’s not just a cliché!

Until next time….

What's Weighing Me Down?

Recently, at our church’s Ladies’ Conference, I had the opportunity to share my testimony.  I had done this in the past, but it had been a while.  The other times that I had done this, I shared about how God had used specific situations to teach me something about Him.  This time was different.  I was not talking about some specific tragic circumstance.  I was just talking about real life.  Although we will all experience some sort of tragic or dramatic circumstance at some point, we encounter real life every day.  I shared some of the highlights of how I came to write this blog – but of course, there’s never enough time to go into everything.  Besides, who really wants to listen to me talk for hours? J

I have been humbled by the response that I received.  Ladies of all ages, with varying life circumstances have come to me saying things like, “That is exactly what I needed!”  “That is how I feel right now – overwhelmed with life.”  “I, too, struggle with dealing with ‘too much to do’.  How do you handle that?”  “I had no idea that someone was like me.”  “I didn’t know that about you!”

Well, let me tell you….I’m a work in progress, but I am so excited that God is able to help with all of the overwhelming circumstances of life. 

Since our conference, my mind has been reeling…I have so many thoughts swirling around in there!  I want to share what God is teaching me, but I want to do it a bit at a time.  Honestly, right now, I feel like I’m trying to drink water from a fire hydrant.  Hopefully, you will be able to follow my randomness and be encouraged.

The sin that weighs me down.

I try not to get so specific about circumstances because I never want anyone to say, “That’s not for me because my situation is different.”  God’s Word is for all of life.  We can learn from each other and have things in common with each other, even when our circumstances are not identical or even similar.

It struck me that in Hebrews 12:1, we are told to lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us.  Notice that no specific weight or sin is named.  It doesn’t even say, “If you have a weight or sin, just go ahead and set that aside.”  It says to lay aside every weight, and the sin….  We have weights and sins that beset us.  We just do.  We are all sinners, right?  Then we better be finding what it is that we need to lay aside!  What weighs me down?  Anxiety, Pressures of life – mostly self-imposed, Fear – of the unknown, of what others think, of failure; Pride – thinking that everything revolves around me.  That’s just the tip of the iceberg!

I’ll be honest.  For years, I read that verse and thought to myself, “I really can’t think of anything that weighs me down.  I don’t really have any besetting sins.”  I was crazy!!  (I know, some of you already knew that about me!)  REALLY??  No sins weighing me down? 

I couldn’t see that I was being weighed down at all.  After all, life was pretty good.  I generally had everything working out for me.  (When I think about this, I go all the way back to when I was in high school, because that really shaped how I approached life.)  I made good grades.  I was pretty good at sports and cheerleading.  I didn’t get into trouble.  I knew all the right answers.  I went off to college.  I had to work a little harder, but everything went along smoothly.  I met my husband within 24hrs of being on campus (of course, I had no idea that he was going to be my husband).  I graduated; got married a year later; got a corporate job and moved up quickly….life was humming right along.  I was handling life just fine.  Of course, God was there too, but I think I thought of Him more as “along for the ride” rather than my actual mode of transportation.

THEN…premature baby, juggling baby and working full-time, baby #2, now juggling 2 children and working full-time, began working part-time (took a HUGE cut in salary), now financial pressures are there that I didn’t have before, baby #3 (unexpected pregnancy, another premature delivery)…..these are just a few major highlights.  My point is this:  Difficult circumstances began to expose my weaknesses – my weights and besetting sins.  There is only so much that I can do on my own.  I am so much better off when I am totally dependent on God and His plan, rather than trying to handle it on my own.

How to handle these weaknesses?  These weights and sins that beset us?

Stay tuned…

Bless Your Gizzard!

If you are familiar with Beneth Jones, you know that she loves to "Bless your gizzard!"  Today we had our annual ladies’ conference at our church, and she was our speaker.  I always enjoy her because she is just so down-to-earth.  Our schedule included three main sessions—the first and last by Beneth (I’m not being disrespectful—she insisted that we use her first name. J ).  The middle session included testimonies by another lady in our church and me.

As Beneth talked during that first session, I sat there amazed--God is so amazing!!  Everything she was saying was tying directly to what I had planned to say today.  I was giddy on the inside—I love it when God’s direction is so glaringly evident!  THEN Sharon gave her testimony—she used some of the same verses that I had planned to use!  I was just overwhelmed at how God had divinely directed our thoughts so that everything tied so perfectly together!  Although the overall content was very different, the same biblical principles were woven throughout.

 

I won’t re-tell everything here.  I just wanted to briefly share that I was encouraged today.  It's always good to be reminded that we are not alone in our struggles. 

I received a blessing….and so did my gizzard!  J

He Knows Our Days

A lot has happened in our family over the past couple of weeks!  My youngest sister gave birth to her first baby on Feb 6….her due date was in late April.  I have to admit, when I first heard that she was beginning to experience symptoms of preeclampsia, my first thought was “WHY??”  Having experienced preeclampsia and premature delivery twice, I knew what was in store for her.  My very next thought was, “God knows.” 

For the past week, I’ve been meditating on Psalm 139.

1 O LORD, you have searched me and known me! 2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. 3 You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. 4 Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether. 5 You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. 7 Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? 8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! 9 If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, 10 even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. 11 If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night," 12 even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you

These verses are such a comfort!  We can rest completely in the knowledge that God knows everything about us and our circumstances.  Even in our loneliest, most distressing times, He is there!

The next verses are: 

13 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

These verses remind us that we are uniquely made by God.  I’ve read them hundreds of times, but this week something just jumped out at me.  Verse 16 says, “…in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”  All the other times that I’ve read this verse, I think, “Yes, God knows my days.  He knows how long I’ll live.”  What I never thought about before was, “God knows my days….He knows when they’ll begin.” 

Premature birth is not a mistake.  God’s plan for my boys, my precious, tiny niece, and so many others that I know was that they be born early—that is, earlier than normal.  I don’t know why.  We may never know, but I do know this:  God is sovereign.  God is good.  God is my Father, and He wants to give me good gifts.  God’s grace is sufficient for every circumstance.  His way is perfect.  These are the promises that I cling to daily.  Some days the circumstances are more difficult than others, but God is the same all the time. 

I don’t know why God chose our family - of my parents’ four grandchildren, three of them have been born prematurely, and my niece’s only cousin on her dad’s side was born last July, also prematurely.

I do know that I can speak for all of us when I say that we want God to be glorified.

Lessons from History: The Challenger Disaster

This post is a departure from my norm, but important to me just the same.  You may or may not know that I love history.  I have a social studies teaching degree, yet God has not seen fit to give me a traditional teaching job.  My children, however, get the occasional free history lesson from mom.  J  Recently, my sixth grade son decided to participate in his school’s fine arts competition.  His category is Patriotic Reading.  I helped him search for possibilities (which gave me a few mini-lesson opportunities) before settling on President Ronald Reagan’s speech to the nation on January 28, 1986—the day of the Challenger disaster.

Before he began working on the speech, I gathered the children around to talk to them about that day.  I wanted him to understand the context and importance of the speech he would be memorizing. 

First, I explained about space shuttles.  Having the privilege of growing up in North Alabama near the Space Flight Center, I grew up in the center of space news.  We heard about the space program all the time and many people that we knew worked in and around the space program in some capacity.  We sometimes saw huge space-related parts floating on barges down the Tennessee River.  I think every kid in N. Alabama goes to Marshall Space Flight Center on at least one field trip in their lives.  We think it is absolutely normal to drive down the road and see rockets standing on the side.  My point is that the space program was familiar and dear to us.  I loved watching space shuttle launches!  It was just amazing to imagine what it would be like to actually go into space and see the vastness of God’s universe.

I looked up video of how space shuttles launched like rockets and landed like airplanes….the kids were amazed.  Then, I showed them the Challenger launch.  I was amazed at how all the emotion I remember feeling came rushing back.  I was 11yrs old and in the 6^th grade….just like my son is now.  We didn’t see it live, but as soon as it happened, school pretty much stopped while we watched the coverage on TV.  We were in shock.  There’s no way to know how many times I’ve seen that video.  It looks SO perfect:  the sleek white shuttle in the clear blue sky.  You watch that knowing what’s going to happen next and it is heart-wrenching. 

My kids watched—speechless.  I sat there with tears streaming down my face.  You might be wandering why I would show them/tell them about something so traumatic.  I think it’s important to teach them about real life.  They handled it very well, and asked lots of great questions.  It’s so important to know these things.  It’s important to know that God is still loving and caring, even when bad things happen.

We talked about the astronauts and Christa McAuliffe.  As I read to them about McAuliffe, I realized that she was 37 years old – the same age I am now.  Wow.  That put a whole new perspective on it for me, too.

Then we watched President Reagan’s speech.  I get chills every time I hear it.  I remember that night, watching it in my grandparents’ living room.  We all sat glued to his words.  What a great president!  I wanted my kids to see and experience what it was like to hear him.   They sat there quietly listening—it’s not very long.  When it ended, I asked my son, “Does that help you know more about your speech?”  He nodded in awe. 

I want him to do his best.  He’s never done a speech before, so I don’t want him to be scared about it.  Whatever happens at Fine Arts is really not important.  The important stuff already happened.  I was able to share with my children how God and historical events are inevitably intertwined.  I was reminded just how grateful I am for my life:  Where I’m from, what I’ve experienced, that I’m able to pass on something meaningful to my children.  God has given me a tremendous classroom – my own home.

Tomorrow is the 26^th anniversary of that fateful day.  It’s one of those “I remember exactly where I was” moments in life.  What can you learn from it?

It is important to take opportunities to weave spiritual lessons into every day life.

What lessons have you learned from history?

A New Year - A New Look at My Way of Life

Resolutions.  I’m not really big on New Year’s Resolutions…..probably because I make a continuous habit of it all year long.  I am constantly “resolving” to do or change something.  It used to make me constantly overwhelmed with life because I had way too many resolutions to follow; therefore, I constantly felt like a failure.

Now that I have a new perspective on things, I find that I can keep my “resolving” in check—for the most part.  There is one thing in particular that I’ve been thinking on for several weeks---How does my life advance the gospel? 

For the past weeks/months I have become increasingly weary of hearing, seeing, reading all sorts of debate and arguments over peripheral issues.  Debate and discussion have their place, but what is most important?

It really struck me a few weeks ago when I was listening to a NFL analyst talk about Tim Tebow.  There has been so much sports debate about whether or not Tebow will make it in the NFL, but this guy was different.  He was completely amazed at Tebow’s testimony.  Of course, he didn’t use the word “testimony”, but he talked on and on about how Tebow reacts to adversity, how he treats those who say mean things about him, etc.  This analyst said that he considered himself to be a spiritual person, but whatever it is that Tebow has, he wants it.  Personally, I like to watch Tim Tebow play football, and I hope he succeeds.  If you ask Tim Tebow, I’m pretty sure that to him football is a tool that will give him a platform to advance the gospel.  Football happens to be the platform God has given Tim Tebow. 

What has God given me?  We easily fall into the trap of thinking, “If I were famous….,  If I had lots of money…., If I lived in a certain place…..then it would be easier for me to live for Christ.”  That’s not how it works.  We are to live for Christ and advance the gospel from wherever we are right now.

For those of you who have read earlier blog posts, you know that I love Philippians.  Recently I sat down and read through Philippians twice in one sitting.  I was struck by just how much Paul addresses the topic of advancing the gospel.  Paul was usually “on the run” or in prison, yet look at what he has to say about how we are to live to advance the gospel of Christ. 

Paul says in 1:12-14, I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ.  And most of the brothers, having become confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, are much more bold to speak the word without fear.  He goes on to say in verse 16, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel.

In verses 18-21 he continues, I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death.  For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

Verse 27:  Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel,

Chapter 2:1-8 – These verses speak for themselves.  What an example of humility Christ is for us!  Following this example would transform our lives.

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.  Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men, and being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

2:16 – Holding fast to the Word of Life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.

The above verses from chapter 2 are a huge rebuke to me.  I struggle constantly with the tendency to defend myself and others close to me.  If I have been wronged, it is easy for me to feel like that I deserve to put them in their place.  I don’t.  It’s not up to me.  I don’t have to have the last word.  I need to show Christ.

3:12-17 – Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own.  Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own.  But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

I, too, have not arrived and am far from perfect, but I do strive to press on daily.  Don’t get hung up on past failures.  Assess where you are now and press on!

I’ll close with my favorite verses from chapter 4…

Verses 4-9 – Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.  Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.  The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding; will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Verse 13 – I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Verse 19 – And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

We tend to quote verse 19 with physical needs in mind:  food, money, clothes, etc.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard it explained any other way, but of course we have more than just those physical needs.  Well, I do, anyway.  I need comfort, security, strength, patience, wisdom, grace…..God supplies those needs too…in abundance!

Am I living in such a way that my very way of life advances the gospel?  It’s possible.  Following Christ’s example of humility, having my mind/thoughts on track, trusting wholly in God for what I need both physically and spiritually…..those things will enable me to reflect Christ to others every day.

Happy New Year!