Because He Lives

 

One month ago today was Daddy’s funeral. It was such a difficult, but glorious time. We truly worshipped through our pain and sadness. One of the songs we sang on that day was Because He Lives. The words were so comforting to me then:                     

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

Because He lives, all fear is gone.

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living just because He lives.

 

Well, we’ve had a whole month of tomorrows so far. I’m so glad that I can live without fear. Now, it’s still painful, and I know that’s normal….at least I’m pretty sure that’s normal. Since I’ve never done this before, I’m still trying to figure it all out. I’ve had so many precious friends love on me and tell me it’s okay to cry, and I do…sometimes without warning. I am so used to keeping it all together. I used to pride myself on being able to go through a day as if nothing was ever wrong...being the one that’s strong for everybody else. I can’t do that now. When I’m asked, “How are you doing?” I find that my typical answer is, “I’m okay, I guess.” Sometimes, I just come right out and say, “Well, today is hard.” I’m trying to find the balance between honestly dealing with how I feel and shutting my brain off. I don’t want people to be afraid to talk to me. It’s just a really awkward position for me, and I never want to make anything awkward for anyone else.

This morning our choir sang Because He Lives. There I was in the middle of the choir right in front of the cameras crying through the song. I thought I would be able to make it, but I was wrong. All I can do is say, I’m human. I am not able to go through this with my brain turned off. I need people to talk to me even if I cry. I wish I could explain all that I feel, but I can’t. My family is so patient…doing what they can for me. I know I’m not the same wife and mama I was just over a month ago. I’m told it will get better. I’m trusting it will. All I know to do is just to go through these emotional waves as they come. Since I’m not even sure how to deal with me, I’m so thankful for my family and friends who continue to encourage me. Thank you for your patience.

God is so good to have given me many special gifts and answers to prayer these past few days. I’ve received some very practical things like, cards, notes, and meals. I’ve also received several answers to prayer…some of which I’m the only one who knew what I had prayed. I know God loves me, and He gives good gifts.

I’ve come to realize that even grief is a good gift. My deep grief reveals the kind of relationship I had with my Daddy. It also reveals the kind of relationship I have with God.

Even though it is painful, and it is not what I would have chosen, I can confidently say that life is worth living because He lives.

I have several friends who are going through some really deep valleys right now. Humanly speaking, it is all very overwhelming. It is hard to face uncertainty, but God is already there. I promise. He is with me right now, and all the tomorrows to come.

Grief is Messy

 

Two weeks ago today, my life and the lives of my family forever changed. In some ways, these past two weeks have been a blur, but in other ways, I feel like we are living a really slow-motion bad dream. I keep describing myself as “feeling fuzzy”. I find it very difficult to focus and concentrate on anything. Writing usually helps, so I’m going to try to make sense of what’s going on in my head by writing about it. 

Here’s the thing...I like order. I’m a rule follower.  I don’t know the rules of grief. Does anyone?

Grief is messy.

I can be totally fine one minute and crying uncontrollably the next. (By the way, mask-wearing and crying are not a good combo.) I have leaky eyes...a few tears will just spill out without warning. I have told my students that if I shed a few tears in front of them, that I will be okay. I don’t want anyone to be afraid to talk to me. It’s okay to talk to me. It’s okay to acknowledge that my life just changed forever. I can’t ignore it, so why should anyone else?

I had the sweetest thing happen at church yesterday. One of the ladies that I’ve really only known over the last couple of years said, “Tell me about your Daddy.” That meant so much to me. I told her, that I could talk for a really long time, and she said, “That’s okay…I want to hear it all.” Well, we didn’t have time for the whole story last night, but it really does help to talk about him.

(If you're interested in knowing more about him, you can see his funeral service here. If you don't have time to see all of it, skip to 37:30 to hear his salvation testimony. We never tired of hearing him tell us.)

The Bible says that we are to comfort others with the same comfort that we have received. I have had so many people who have shared with me their own experiences of losing a father or other close loved one. I am thankful for that.

My school/church family have been supportive. Multiple people stepped in to handle my responsibilities for the week that I was gone. I have had sweet conversations with many people. I have received some tangible gifts that have met exact needs even though no one knew what those needs were.

Our family has received so much amazing love and support from so many people. It has been overwhelming (in a good way). I had no idea we really knew that many people. Of course, we all knew our Daddy was amazing, but we have heard story after story from many others about his affect on their lives. We thank you for sharing those stories with us. Each one brings comfort to our aching hearts.

We are constantly amazed at God’s sovereignty in all of this. There are so many little details that we could list. In the midst of this awful grief we are experiencing, we can truly smile through our tears. God is good. He loves us. He loves Daddy. He is sufficient to meet our every need – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Oh, how I miss my Daddy! Heaven is sweeter every day.