Grief is Messy

 

Two weeks ago today, my life and the lives of my family forever changed. In some ways, these past two weeks have been a blur, but in other ways, I feel like we are living a really slow-motion bad dream. I keep describing myself as “feeling fuzzy”. I find it very difficult to focus and concentrate on anything. Writing usually helps, so I’m going to try to make sense of what’s going on in my head by writing about it. 

Here’s the thing...I like order. I’m a rule follower.  I don’t know the rules of grief. Does anyone?

Grief is messy.

I can be totally fine one minute and crying uncontrollably the next. (By the way, mask-wearing and crying are not a good combo.) I have leaky eyes...a few tears will just spill out without warning. I have told my students that if I shed a few tears in front of them, that I will be okay. I don’t want anyone to be afraid to talk to me. It’s okay to talk to me. It’s okay to acknowledge that my life just changed forever. I can’t ignore it, so why should anyone else?

I had the sweetest thing happen at church yesterday. One of the ladies that I’ve really only known over the last couple of years said, “Tell me about your Daddy.” That meant so much to me. I told her, that I could talk for a really long time, and she said, “That’s okay…I want to hear it all.” Well, we didn’t have time for the whole story last night, but it really does help to talk about him.

(If you're interested in knowing more about him, you can see his funeral service here. If you don't have time to see all of it, skip to 37:30 to hear his salvation testimony. We never tired of hearing him tell us.)

The Bible says that we are to comfort others with the same comfort that we have received. I have had so many people who have shared with me their own experiences of losing a father or other close loved one. I am thankful for that.

My school/church family have been supportive. Multiple people stepped in to handle my responsibilities for the week that I was gone. I have had sweet conversations with many people. I have received some tangible gifts that have met exact needs even though no one knew what those needs were.

Our family has received so much amazing love and support from so many people. It has been overwhelming (in a good way). I had no idea we really knew that many people. Of course, we all knew our Daddy was amazing, but we have heard story after story from many others about his affect on their lives. We thank you for sharing those stories with us. Each one brings comfort to our aching hearts.

We are constantly amazed at God’s sovereignty in all of this. There are so many little details that we could list. In the midst of this awful grief we are experiencing, we can truly smile through our tears. God is good. He loves us. He loves Daddy. He is sufficient to meet our every need – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Oh, how I miss my Daddy! Heaven is sweeter every day.