Because He Lives

 

One month ago today was Daddy’s funeral. It was such a difficult, but glorious time. We truly worshipped through our pain and sadness. One of the songs we sang on that day was Because He Lives. The words were so comforting to me then:                     

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

Because He lives, all fear is gone.

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living just because He lives.

 

Well, we’ve had a whole month of tomorrows so far. I’m so glad that I can live without fear. Now, it’s still painful, and I know that’s normal….at least I’m pretty sure that’s normal. Since I’ve never done this before, I’m still trying to figure it all out. I’ve had so many precious friends love on me and tell me it’s okay to cry, and I do…sometimes without warning. I am so used to keeping it all together. I used to pride myself on being able to go through a day as if nothing was ever wrong...being the one that’s strong for everybody else. I can’t do that now. When I’m asked, “How are you doing?” I find that my typical answer is, “I’m okay, I guess.” Sometimes, I just come right out and say, “Well, today is hard.” I’m trying to find the balance between honestly dealing with how I feel and shutting my brain off. I don’t want people to be afraid to talk to me. It’s just a really awkward position for me, and I never want to make anything awkward for anyone else.

This morning our choir sang Because He Lives. There I was in the middle of the choir right in front of the cameras crying through the song. I thought I would be able to make it, but I was wrong. All I can do is say, I’m human. I am not able to go through this with my brain turned off. I need people to talk to me even if I cry. I wish I could explain all that I feel, but I can’t. My family is so patient…doing what they can for me. I know I’m not the same wife and mama I was just over a month ago. I’m told it will get better. I’m trusting it will. All I know to do is just to go through these emotional waves as they come. Since I’m not even sure how to deal with me, I’m so thankful for my family and friends who continue to encourage me. Thank you for your patience.

God is so good to have given me many special gifts and answers to prayer these past few days. I’ve received some very practical things like, cards, notes, and meals. I’ve also received several answers to prayer…some of which I’m the only one who knew what I had prayed. I know God loves me, and He gives good gifts.

I’ve come to realize that even grief is a good gift. My deep grief reveals the kind of relationship I had with my Daddy. It also reveals the kind of relationship I have with God.

Even though it is painful, and it is not what I would have chosen, I can confidently say that life is worth living because He lives.

I have several friends who are going through some really deep valleys right now. Humanly speaking, it is all very overwhelming. It is hard to face uncertainty, but God is already there. I promise. He is with me right now, and all the tomorrows to come.