Why write this blog?

I found myself anxious and defensive.  I was reacting to situations and making decisions based upon what I thought others were thinking about me or expecting of me.  It affected all areas of my life:

Physically:  I did not feel well.  I was tired and had no motivation or energy.  I did not eat regularly.  I did not get enough sleep.     

Mentally:  I was overwhelmed by life.  I constantly felt anxious, scared, and out of control.  I was moody – my family never knew which “me” they would be dealing with.  I was defensive and unapproachable.

Spiritually:  I felt so far away from God.  I would have devotions, but I felt totally haphazard….no direction.  I would try to pray, but usually had no words to describe what I wanted to say.  I just begged God to make me better.

There is not an exact point in time where I can say that this began.  It was a very gradual shift in my thinking that resulted in something that was very definitely wrong.  I found my self remembering how I used to be, and wondering why things were so different now.  I knew that floundering around in misery was not how I was supposed to be living.  It really didn’t matter what used to be.  I needed to be right—right now.

So, what to do? 

All throughout those long months, I continued to read my Bible, pray, and do all the things that I knew were right.  I was begging God for relief—my focus was all wrong.

When I would reach the end of my rope—which was often—my dear family would hear it.  My husband, sisters, and mother would listen as I would talk, cry, and try to explain how I felt.  I don’t think I did a very good job of communicating what I was experiencing.  I really thought that I was going crazy, and they probably did too!

I would have these long lists of things that I thought I needed to do based on what I thought was expected of me.  Some of the things on my list were absolutely right—housework, laundry, etc.  Other things on my list were totally wrong—look like a perfect family, be super woman, be all the things that others want me to be.   When I would try to explain how overwhelmed I was feeling, my family would repeat the same advice over and over again in as many different ways as they knew how:

• You can’t do everything.
• You don’t know what others are thinking.

Wow!  That may seem very obvious, but for me, it took a while to really grasp personally.  I had been overwhelmed for as long as I could remember (seriously).  I have always loved doing lots of things and doing them well.  All throughout my childhood and teen years, I excelled in school, sports, church activities, etc.  Think about it.  I had nothing else to occupy my time.  I loved to help out with any and everything that I could do for the teachers at our school.  (My mom worked at our school, so we practically lived there.)  I loved my family, school, and church.  I can honestly say, that I never felt “imprisoned” by anything about the way I grew up.  I thrived on all of the attention and affirmation that comes from doing things for others.  I truly do love to do things for others to show them that I care, BUT somewhere in there is a line, and I had crossed it.  I had become so consumed with being superwoman, that I was falling apart.  I could not meet the expectations anymore.  Who was expecting so much from me?  Me.  No one else.

So how to change my thinking? 

Since the road to this place was gradual, my journey back to “sanity” was also gradual.  God used many people, sermons, personal study, etc. to direct me to scripture that “discerned the thoughts and intents of my heart”.  I want to emphasize that it was ultimately the truths of God’s Word that brought healing.  We so often get hung up on certain people, books, songs, etc.  All of those “extras” are great tools, but they are not the ultimate answer.  We can be encouraged by the lives of others, books, songs, but all of those things ought to point us back to Christ.

I have been so excited about the way God has been working in my own heart that I wanted to share it with others.  I trust that the lessons that I share here will be an encouragement to you.